I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
