Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
