1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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