I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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