just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
