omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
