Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
