nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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