Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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