Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
