But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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