Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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