Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
