The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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