Don't make out with my wife yet
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
