I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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