My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
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To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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