Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
