I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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