i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
