I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
