i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
