I'm so fucking centered right now
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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