So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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