Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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