I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
