i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
