I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
