You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
