i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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