sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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