He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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