mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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