I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
