I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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