i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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