i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
