I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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