New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
