I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
