yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
