Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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