turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
