I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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