i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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