Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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