4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
