I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
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You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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