dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
