someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
