In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
