I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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