The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
420 ftw
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
