if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
