i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
