I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
