I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
