There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
